I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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