I wish I could teleport
I should be sponsored by Trojan
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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