tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
