please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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