I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think weed is turning my hair brown
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
