Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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