Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
