I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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