Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
this hospital has no fireball
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Randomize
