it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize