We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
