i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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