if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize