oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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