Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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