did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
