So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
