***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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