The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
