Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
