Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
