I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
