this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
