Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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