I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
