Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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