I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
