I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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