im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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