I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
