After last night, I could never be a politician.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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