I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
two words: eviction party
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
