Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
