My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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