If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
