If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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