Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
