I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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