know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
