I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
