Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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