We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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