I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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