Buhtt sex?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
