I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
