god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
