youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
