I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
