he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
