I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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