Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
