im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
