mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
...so i touched it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
