Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
