Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
