she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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