Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
