i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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