i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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